Facts of life

Pop-quiz time, boys and girls, the time when I cull interesting and useful (or not so useful) factoids from all the lovely new books people send me and from various other reputable sources so you can test your sexual prowess. And no peeking at the answers. 

1. According to Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual when a slave’s master commands him to “Prostate yourself” the slave must what? 
a) Expose his genitals. 
b) Finger his bumhole. 
c) Lie on his belly. 
d) Stand up straight. 

2. According to The Tantric Way of Loving: A Holistic Guide To Sensual Exploration by Nitya Lacroix (The New Life Library), the Anahat refers to what? 

a) A fancy hat you wear during tantric sex. 
b) A space between your nipples. 
c) Your anus region. 
d) A sexual position. 

3) In Patricia Anderson’s book Passion Lost: Public Sex, Private Desire in the Twentieth Century (due out in April from Thomas Allen Books) “Dr Charles’ Flesh Food” was: 

a) A dietary supplement to help people gain weight. 
b) An aphrodisiac applied to the skin. 
c) A breast-enhancement cream. 
d) A meat-tenderizing product. 

4. According to a recent article on salon.com, where do teenage girls go for sex advice in Tokyo? 

a) A local sushi bar. 
b) A retired geisha. 
c) Tokyo’s first teen sexual counselling clinic. 
d) A local hamburger joint. 

5. Researching his book Sex Carnival (ECW Press), author Bill Brownstein learned from Hugh Hefner that his inspiration for the Playboy “Bunny” came from what? 

a) A long-standing fantasy to have sex with rabbits. 
b) A stuffed bunny he had as a child. 
c) The fact that as a teen he fucked like a rabbit. 
d) A baby blanket he had with bunnies on it. 

6. According to the March issue of Stuff magazine, what percentage of men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal? 

a) 10 
b) 23 
c) 50 
d) 78 

7. According to Inga Muscio in her book Cunt: A Declaration of Independence (Seal Press), which of the following items do not exist for men? 

a) Sanitary jock straps. 
b) Perfumed Hershey-Squirt protection pads. 
c) Hygienic ball wipes. 
d) All of the above. 

8. According to the April issue of Cosmopolitan magazine, if a woman finds a piece of whitish tissue hanging from her vagina, what might it be? 

a) A piece of an old tampon that was stuck in her vagina. 
b) A symptom of endometriosis, a condition in which tissue from the lining of your uterus migrates to other parts of your pelvic cavity. 
c) A piece of her hymen. 
d) That lost sock from the laundromat. 

9. True or False? According to the book Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Sex by Larry Balsamo and Sandra Bergeson (Conversation Books), aside from the genitals and the breasts, the only other body part that swells during intercourse is your tongue. 

10. According to Deborah Addington in her book A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting (Greenery Press), can your fist ever get stuck inside a woman? 

a) Yes 
b) No 

11. According to the news site annanova.com, where do you go if you’re a cabinetmaker living in Russia and you accidentally saw your penis into six pieces with a circular saw? 

a) The Emergency Care for Men Clinic at a Moscow hospital. 
b) The brand new space-age penile injury clinic, formerly known as Mir Space Station. 
c) The local seamstress. 
d) A special medical unit that travels through Russia attending to sexual emergencies. 

Answers: 
1. c) Upon hearing the command, the slave should lie flat on his belly in front of the dominant with his arms stretched forward and his forehead touching the floor. This posture may be used for abasement, confession or as a prelude to worship. 

2. b) This is the heart chakra, one of seven points focussed on during tantric sex. The Anahat relates to love, empathy and the merging of male and female energies. Apparently, it is green. 

3. c) Sold to save women from having “hollow and scrawny” busts, “Flesh Food” promised women “a new bosom with all the ‘natural contour’ that sex appeal demanded.” 

4. d) For two years, Tsuneo Akaeda, a 57-year-old gynaecologist has operated a free sex-counselling booth for young girls, located in the corner of a burger joint in the Roppongi district. 

5. d) As a young boy, he used it to cover his sick dog and when the dog died, they burned the blanket and Hef apparently vowed to create a “Bunny Empire.” 

6. c) 50 

7. d) The author rants about how none of these products is available to men while women are bombarded with a whack of “sanitary” and “deodorant” products for our cunts. 

8. c) When the hymen tears the first time you have sex, a tissue remnant can remain at the opening (where you may not notice it) for years before falling off. It is not harmful but if it bothers you, a doctor can remove it through a simple in-office surgical procedure. See your gyno first to make sure that’s what it is. 

9. False. It’s actually your inner nose that swells. 

10. b) Apparently, not a chance. It may occasionally create a vacuum that makes it feel stuck but it you relax and take things slow, your hand will slide back out easily. That said, don’t go shoving your fist in there if you don’t know what you’re doing. You can do some serious damage if you’re not careful. Addington’s book is a great how-to book on fisting if you want to try it. More on that in a later column. 

11. a) The Emergency Care for Men clinic was established at a Moscow hospital in 1999 and is where the clumsy cabinetmaker recently got sewn up good as new. The clinic is the brainchild of Professor Pyotr Shcheplev, an expert in andrology and is a shoo in to win the Prizvaniye Prize. Other cases at the clinic include men who have had their penis bitten off by wives, lovers and dogs.