Sick News

Well, I’m off to a good start. I’ve spent most of this new millennium slathered in Vapo-rub, trying to fight my body’s rabid desire to cough up my lungs. Let’s just say I’m not feeling too sexy. Frankly my Neo Citron-soaked brain would like to take a break this week. But just so you have something to tide you over, below is a selection of some of the weird sex-related stories I’ve gathered in the past months. Now if you’ll just excuse me, my wracked body and I are going to crawl back into bed. See ya next week. *** 
Sinead, whatever possessed you? 
Here’s a big surprise: Sinead O’Connor announced in November on Irish television that she “failed miserably” in her attempts at celibacy. She said, “It doesn’t work for me because I need love and affection.” And just a little attention maybe. Sinead made her vow of chastity last April when she was ordained “Mother Bernadette Mary,” a priestess in some wonky Catholic splinter group called the Latin Tridentine Church. “I lasted about three months,” O’Connor admitted on TV. “I tried. No thanks.” Now she’s planning to release an album which she says will be sexier than her earlier work. Dear girl, where did you go wrong? 
Stealing a glance gets life 
The original Peeping Tom suffered a life of blindness after he snuck a peek at Lady Godiva back in 18th-century England. But poor Raul Zarate, a Tapachula prison warden in Chiapas, Mexico paid with his life when he snuck a peek at an inmate having sex with his wife during a conjugal visit in November. According to La Corona newspaper, Zarate grabbed his binoculars and climbed on the roof to watch the couple have sex. Absorbed in the arousing spectacle, Raul stumbled over a skylight and plummeted 23 fee, landing right next to the couple’s bed only to die instantly. That’s what you’d call “dying for a peek.” I know I know, but I couldn’t resist. 
Wanking at work pays 
A Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Woman claims she suffered carpal tunnel’s syndrome from flicking her bic on the job. No, not her pen. The 40-year-old unnamed woman is a phone-sex operator and, according to the November Reuter’s report, she said she masturbated herself to orgasm to please her customers, sometimes up to seven times a day. The woman claimed the constant rubbing eventually gave her so much pain in her hands that she had to leave her job and have $30,000 (U.S.) worth of surgery to correct the damage. She filed for benefits with Florida’s Department of Labor and Employment Security requesting reimbursement for her medical bills plus $267 a week in back pay. She received a settlement for an undisclosed amount. 
The devil made me do it 
A guy was fired in Dec., 1998 for accessing porn on the Internet while he was a work for the New Mexico tax department. In his trial late last year, 44-year-old David Stein claimed, “It was temptation by Satan, of course.” The born-again Christian is appealing his dismissal despite an earlier confession that he did “look at some pictures and stuff” once because he was curious about “what kind of smut was available out there…you know, so I could stay away from it.” Obviously, Stein is weak in the face of temptation. An hour later, he said, “Satan told me to check it out some more.” Stein testified that he might have been targeted by the devil because, “The stronger you are as a Christian, the more Satan works on you because he fears losing his grip on you.” 
The devil has no worries here it seems. Computer printouts indicated that Stein racked up more than 1,000 hits to various porn sites on 12 separate days. Hope you like the heat, David. 
Hard but not so hearty 
At least 120 Germans came home from Thailand in a coffin in 1999, according to an article in the November 14 edition of Nation, up 20 per cent from the year before. Approximately 30 per cent of the bodies were found to have Viagra in their bloodstream. Sure, swilling beer, popping Viagra and bonking prostitutes in a hot climate seemed like a good idea at the time boys, but… 
Making the cut 
Remember the Bobbits? Back in 1993, Loreena Bobbit lopped off husband John Wayne Bobbit’s penis, and drove off in the middle of the night, tossing the dismembered member into a field where it was later found and reattached. Well, seems the Bobbits started a bit of a trend. 
On November 9, 1999, an Australian man was happily going at it with his lady when the woman’s angry ex-husband rudely interrupted by cutting off his penis with a knife. 
On September 3, 1999, sex offender John Henry Brown had his penis lopped of by cellmate James Todd Frosig. Unlike John Wayne, they couldn’t sew it back on, which probably isn’t such a bad thing since he was a pedophile. Then there were the do-it-yourselfers. 
On August 30, 1999, a young guy in Poland tried to cut his own penis off. Maybe he’d seen Europa, Europa one too many times. They did manage to sew the poor bugger’s pee-pee back on. 
Continuing in this trend, on September 27, 1999, a suicidal 42-year-old man near Yale University tried to bleed himself to death by cutting off his penis. He survived and was ordered by a judge to have it sown back on. 
And just in case you thought you might try this trick at home, boys, know that so far no deaths by penis lopping have been recorded. While you may lose a lot of blood, apparently, the attached scrotal area clots and heals itself quickly. So you might as well put away the knife. 
Genital growth 
Oh well, so you lose your penis, big deal. In 25 years, they’ll be able to grow you a new one according to Dr Myron Murdock, director of the Impotence World Association. Murdock says doctors will be able to grow artificial penises and vaginas and use them to replace worn-out or disfigured parts by culturing human cells and growing them over a mould. I know what I’m asking for on my 60th birthday.