Edmonton Sun

Edmonton Sun

Sex Fantasies Abound
Some experts say they’re healthy while others are more qualified.

by SHELLY DECKER

Edmonton Sun, June 6, 2003

Men and women like to fool around in their head when it comes to sex.
Fantasy romps involve different scenarios, such as boinking on a plane or bedding down with another person, said sex writer Josey Vogels.
“I think it’s a life-saving thing,” said Vogels. “I think that fantasies are the one time where we can have guilt-free, uncensored sex and I think it’s really important to have an outlet like that.”
Vogels believes fantasizing about sex can be good for us.
“I think that fantasies keep us sexually healthy,” said the author of The Secret Language of Girls. “I think they’re really important in terms of knowing our own sexuality and also they’re a wonderful outlet for a lot of things that we’re maybe not able, comfortable or don’t consider acceptable to do in real life.”
One of women’s favoured fantasies is to be dominated.
The cliche about men lusting over the idea of two women making out or participating in a threesome continues to rank high, she added.
Men tend to conjure basic, visual scenarios, while women create detailed fantasies, such as thinking about the drapes hanging in the room and imagining what the other person is saying, says Vogels.
Fantasies are a haven for those in long-term relationships.
“Face it, having sex with the same person for the rest of your life can get a little predictable and a little boring and I think it’s perfectly acceptable to allow yourself to fantasize,” she said. “You kind of need to reinvent your partner through fantasy once in awhile.”
But Edmonton psychologist Doris Vincent says fantasizing about someone else is wrong and not healthy for a relationship.
“Imagining you’re having sex with the neighbour is not a connecting type of fantasy,” said Vincent. “You’re cheating your partner out of your full presence.”
However, Vincent says fantasies involving your partner, such as a sandy tryst on the beach, can be positive. Share such ideas during sex to boost your love life.
“That keeps you connected to your partner. That’s important. It’s very easy for people to get involved in their own pleasure and not be connected with their partner so that kind of fantasy keeps you and your partner together,” said Vincent.
Vogels believes fantasies are usually fine. However, if the only way you can hop in bed with your partner is to think of someone else, thus avoiding true intimacy, then there’s a problem in the relationship, she said.
She agreed that it’s good to share hot thoughts that won’t hurt your other half’s feelings, such as getting it on in a parked car with your partner.
But it’s best to keep your mouth closed if your wishful thinking involves someone else. Revealing you’ve just imagined having sex with Hollywood’s Jennifer Garner likely won’t go over well with a girlfriend or wife. Just like your husband won’t be thrilled to hear he’s been mentally replaced by hunky actor Brad Pitt.
“You don’t have to share everything in a relationship,” said Vogels. “If someone said, ‘I’m fantasizing about sleeping with your best friend.’ That probably isn’t going to go over that well. It’s best left in your head. It’s pointless. It’s going to be hurtful and not do any good for anybody.”
Some people are more creative and can easily conjure fantasies while others need a little help via movies, magazines, books or other physical material.
But Vincent believes such materials are usually harmful to relationships and are best avoided.

Copyright 2003, The Edmonton Sun Unauthorized reproduction or Web posting prohibited.