Eat and be merry


There’s a reason you never see the “pinch and roll” in porn movies. It looks funny. Instead, they show a guy frantically flicking his tongue across a woman’s clit while she’s moaning and writhing in ecstasy.

Which is crap because, ask most women and tongue flicking is low on their priority list. The reason the technique is popular in porn, suggests Chanelle Gallant, Good For Her manager and our muff-diving teacher for the evening, is because, if you know what you doing down there, there’s not much to see. Not so conducive to a visual medium like porn. Ergo, the flicking.

A flat tongue is better, Gallant tells us, while we all grab mango halves and sloooowly glide our flat tongues from bottom to top.

I hadn’t eaten and was having a hard time not devouring the thing.

Which is the problem with most cunnilinguists, says Gallant. They dive into the meal before she’s even comfortably seated at the table.
Women take an average of 20 minutes to orgasm from oral sex, Gallant informs us, give or take half an hour.
Unless you have a mechanical tongue, you’re probably not going to be able to flick that long anyway.

Which is why the “pinch and roll” comes in handy. It’s easier to understand if you see it — which we did thanks to a video clip Gallant showed us from Nina Hartley’s Advanced Guide to Oral Sex — but imagine her outer labia and clitoral hood are like a roll of plastic wrap.

Pinch (gently) with both hands and stretch it out and down over her vulva. Or make a “V” with your thumb and forefinger pointing down, place it on either side of her outer labia and squeeze. This externally stimulates the lower (and most sensitive) part of her vagina and the internal bits of her clitoris. Yes, that little bud (the glans) is just the tip of the pleasureburg. The rest of the clit – the shaft and legs, or crura – is buried inside. The key is to avoid direct stimulation of the clit until she’s good and ready for dessert (if you feel her tense and pulling away, she’s still enjoying her entrée).
Try flat-tongued Figure 8s over the entire length of her vulva and up around the hood.

You want to build excitement as opposed to focus on orgasm. “Goals and orgasms don’t mix,” offers Gallant.
If your tongue gets tired, drag your wet bottom lip up the entire length of her vulva. Or keep your tongue still and give your head a shake. Slip her vagina the tongue.
And just because it’s called “oral” sex, this is not a “look Ma, no hands” situation. Slide a (lubed, never dry) finger or two inside – curved and pointed up to hit her G-spot – while licking.

And lose the moves. If you must trace letters with your tongue, at least be playful and spell out a secret message, rather than the alphabet. Too contrived.
The best thing is to “surrender your expectations to what is happening rather than what you want to happen,” says Gallant.

Follow her lead, even hanging back rather than pushing forward at the first sign of success.
“If she gets super psyched at a certain point, don’t focus on it,” advises Gallant. “Keep following and, wait for the signal.”
Like the “don’t stop what you’re doing or I’ll kill you” head grab.
In which case, a little vacuum suction on the clit might help kick her over.
If she’s not there yet, take a mental note of the hot spot and return often.

If you want to lead at all, get her to tell you what she likes.
Questions like: Harder? Softer? Faster? Slower? lend themselves to simple one-word answers.
But if she’s quiet, don’t automatically think things aren’t going well. It may be the opposite. “Women often moan to take care of his pleasure,” explains Gallant. “This is one time where she is given permission to be completely focused and enjoy herself.”
The last thing she needs from her partner is pressure to come.

“That’s why women fake it,” says Gallant. “She knows your ego is on the line if she doesn’t come. We also compare ourselves to men. The problem is, dudes are fast. We’re not.”
Ironically, the more you chill and make her feel like you’re happy to hang out for as long as it takes, the more quickly she’ll come.
Which is tough to do when your neck is cramped and lockjaw’s set in.
So, try different positions, like her on all fours on the bed with you kneeling on the floor behind or her sitting on the edge of a chair or bed with you kneeling.
“If you’re not comfy, you won’t stay, so change,” says Gallant.

Tense and release your jaw to limber it up between moves. Once you lose your jaw stamina, it’s tough to get it back. “This means you’re burning out too fast,” warns Gallant. You need to mix it up some more.
If, and when she does come (she may not and that may be okay as long as she enjoyed the ride), plant a big wet one on her.
Even if she doesn’t like it, it sends the message you think she’s yummy and delicious rather than, “I’m dirty and must go clean up.”
“Not all of us are over the idea we grow up with that we’re smelly and gross,” she says. “This kind of gesture can help.”

Think you’ve got it? Well lucky you, just like every woman is different (which is why the old “that worked for the last chick, so what’s wrong with you” attitude doesn’t work), every session with the same woman can be different.
Best get used to it. As Gallant says, most women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone so for many women, oral sex is “coreplay” not “foreplay.”

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